Monday, September 05, 2005

Yes, I'm still breathing...

Many thanks to those that have written me wondering where I am. Unfortunately, Karyn, no, I haven't been busy writing. I've been busy doing nothing.

Really...nothing.

Well, I did join Weight Watchers. So I guess that's something, right?

My funk is still here. I can't write. I tried to write one day, and it was such crap - I mean, even two days later it was crap. I try to read craft books, to spur me on or something, and I can't even concentrate on the page, much less take notes. I have been sick the last few days, but even that's not an excuse since it's been almost a month since I was going to start writing fulltime. I just don't know...

My critique partner is ready to send me yet another manuscript. I told her I'd be all over it - it's not like I'm doing anything else, right? This was her reply (hope you don't mind, Chris.) "You were always the aggressive one willing to work on her manuscript until it was the best you could do no matter what anyone else said!"

What's happened to me? I have no idea. I'm not even visiting writing blogs anymore - I'm not replying on the writing email loops anymore. I've got my wonderful, beautiful site up and going (Dadio - you do so rock!) and yet...nothing. What will it take to get my ass in gear again? I have no idea. If I KNEW, really knew what was wrong, I'd fix it. But...I don't. I don't know. I just feel... hmm... lost. I'm floating around, with no destination, no hope, just seeing where time takes me and not being in control over it. I'm like a heroine that's too dumb to live.

In just a couple of weeks, Shari's flying down and we'll be attending the KOD Writing Retreat in San Antonio. One of the things they just said in an email was to bring a work in progress and highlighters. Holy crap - I have nothing to show them. NOTHING. I haven't worked on anything. Deidre Knight wanted my stuff and I'm too much a loser to get it done and to her. And now the KOD thing is coming up and all I feel is panic, and Evan Fogelman is going to be there!!!

I have a feeling that if I don't get my brain wrapped around this problem soon, I'm going to miss too many opportunities and I'll have killed my own career before it even got started.

I have nothing to contribute to the great literary blog world today. More than anything, I wanted to let you know that I'm still here, but still not writing. Maybe tomorrow morning I'll be able to blog hop and see what the rest of you fabulous people are doing, and that'll jump start me into some kind of motivation over *something*. Hell, over ANYTHING.

Thanks for hangin' in there with me. You guys are the best support anyone could dream of...

6 comments:

TJBrown said...

I have been there a time or two. Why don't you get soem writing prompts and write even if it's bad. Plus, you never know...something might be boiling down inside!
Teri

Dadio said...

Brenda,

Calm down, take deep breathes, ooooohhhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, relax.

Allison Brennan said...

Brenda:

Okay, I skimmed over the last comments that people gave you, and everyone is very supportive of your writing funk.

Now I'm coming in to kick some butt.

You know what I think? I think you're scared. I think you're scared of being rejected AND scared of being accepted. You have agents who want your work! But you're not sending . . . why?

Fear is goal breaking. Fear stops good writers from ever getting published. It's not just the unpublished who experience fear, but those of us who've cracked the market . . . you think I'm not scared out of my gourd?

Brenda, do you realize I never finished a book until two years ago? I didn't realize it was because I was scared -- that if I finished it and submitted it everyone would laugh at me and think, why in the world did she think she could ever get published? She writes garbage.

The first manuscript I had requested I had one agent who wrote back one word SUPERFICIAL.

But I kept sending more manuscripts out.

No one in the world cares if you write, Brenda. No one -- except you. Writing is personal, writing is internal. Your husband doesn't care if you get published, your kids don't care, no one cares EXCEPT YOU. YOU have to believe in yourself and YOU have to push forward and keep going even when you don't want to.

If storytelling means as much to you as I think it does, you'll tell your negative little funk-driven witch sitting on your shoulder to F-off and sit at the keyboard and start writing.

Don't worry if it's crap. Don't worry about the market or who's going to read it or how you're going to pitch it. Just WRITE THE STORY.

One month is long enough to listen to the doubt demon. You can't wait until you're not scared -- you'll always be scared. I'm scared. But you can push through the fear. You have to. If writing is your dream and you sincerely love to tell stories, then you have to push through the fear or it will never happen. Learn to use the fear.

YOU have to want it. YOU are the only one who can give you motivation. Don't let the doubt demon, the fear, that little witch sitting on your shoulder, control you. Take charge and do it now before the funk gets worse.

Now, all your friends will probably think I'm the meanest person in the world, but I had to do it.

Brenda Bradshaw said...

I love you, Allison. You have me in tears. I knew it would happen - if I started, I wouldn't be able to stop it. You and I are so much alike. It is fear. Fear of failure, fear of success. Fear of it all. I know you're 100% right. I just have to do it. But when I go to do it, I have like this PANIC attack - heart racing, blood rushing in my ears, sweating.

And I'm scared that if I don't push through this - I'll forever be paralyzed by it. And how many opportunities will I have missed?

Thank you. You're right. A month is long enough. Time to shyt or get off the pot, right? Right.

Allison Brennan said...

You got it, Brenda. You WILL get past this. I promise. Because if you don't, I'm heading down to Texas with my sharp-toed boots and chaining you to the computer . . .

Christine Keach said...

AMEN to Allison! She is soooo right!

Bren, about that "my critique partner is ready to send me yet another manuscript"...remember that this particular manuscript has taken me FIFTEEN months!!! Remember that I wrote most of it, knew something was missing and shelved it for a while?

We all need to grab our fear and rein (sp?) it in before it wraps around our necks and strangles the last bits of creativity out of us! DO NOT GIVE IN!