Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Guts, Gore & The Quest for the Magical Solution

In an attempt to blog daily, I have to dig around my real life to find something of any significance and put it out there for the world, unless, of course, I want my blog to resort back to fluff and videos and things of no depth. No thanks.

Today I spent most of it on the phone. In a world of technology as we have it, it was like this flashback to the 90s and a phone to my ear all day. After countless issues with my website -- thankfully it wasn't me, the user (who designed it) but an issue with the hosting site -- and after continuing to talk for about two hours, we came to the conclusion that what I want cannot be done, at least by them. So they refer me to another blogging site which supposedly CAN do what I want. Great. So I scurry my fingertips over there and fiddle around for two hours just to realize that it's not as easy as blogger and I'm not sure I really care all that much for the time and energy it's already taken out of my life especially given that the "five minute download" didn't even seem to take.


So I stop and think: Is what I want so important to me that I'm willing to make myself insane to get it, read a gazillion things and hope it works out, invest unlimited number of hours to make it look like I want (assuming I ever get that far anyway!!!) when I've already invested so much time and energy and love into the blog and website I have. The answer is no.

Disclaimer: If someone can help me easily figure this out, rock on. Otherwise, I'm done with the idea until I sell some books and can hire someone to magically do what I want.

So that's the bottom line: What do I want and what am I willing to do/not do to get it?

And then there's my beautiful and brilliant daughter who is in that god-awful age of truly still-a-kid-but-really-an-adult in college crisis. She wants this, but fears that. She needs this, but is told that. She's spinning. All I can do is stick my hand out and attempt to slow down the speeding merry-go-round she can't seem to get off of and hope that my slowing it down is enough so she can jump off and get back on track to the future that's waiting out there. But part of her issues are what others say, what others think, and granted, they are significant in their stance in her life "as others". Their words and opinions carry a great, great weight. But in the end, it's her life. It's her future. The decisions she makes are hers alone.

I'm thrilled when she calls for my opinion, and I'm even thrilled when she calls The Others for theirs. But I'm not thrilled when she calls me even more confused than she had been after I'd slowed the spinning, even temporarily. Nor do I like the sound of defeat and indifference in her voice when she hits the "I really don't care anymore, I'll do whatever." When she loses her passion, it ups mine to feverish degrees. As her mother, I have to verbally cattle-prod her into believing these dreams are still viable, to transfer some of MY tenacity back into HER passion.

But at the end of the day, her choices with school -- although much, much grander and heavier than my webpage ones -- are the same: Where's your bottom line? What do you refuse to compromise on? What must you have and what are you willing to give up? Every path we wander down, whether creating a webpage for a hopeful future or deciding college choices for a hopeful future -- well, they're ours. We have to claim them, own them, nourish them, so we have to make sure the details are worth the pain and gore to get to the magical solution of The End.

Whether The End of a novel or The End of the college education, it's a bumping, gory road, but the pain will so be worth it.

I promise, baby girl. It will be.

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