Wednesday, April 09, 2008

One Song

I drove down the road today, admittedly tired, so that may be why I was affected so, but I doubt it. A song came on, one that used to calm me, but now it just rips through my soul with an ache beyond words, the kind that makes you double over and wrap your arms around yourself, rocking back and forth in an effort to self-soothe. In one instant, in the beat of four notes of a song, and my good mood plummeted. That fast. That intense.

My fingers wrapped tighter around the steering wheel and my mind flashed to different times, to moments in my life when that song meant something else to me, to those memories that hurt and you try not to think about anymore. I have no idea why I didn't change the station. If I'd thought of it, I doubt I could. The bittersweet memories held me captive.

Breathing hitched, fighting off a panic attack I hadn't experienced in a long time, the road blurred as tears threatened to escape and I blinked and blinked and blinked, my eyes wide in an absolutely lost effort to keep tears from escaping. But one did... one fled from my inner eye and trailed down my face. I tilted my head to the side and the salty moisture lingered on my lip and I licked it back into me.

It didn't escape after all.

My mood hasn't lifted yet.

How was your day?


pjd said...

My day was good, thanks for asking. And Fergie and Heart just did a rockin' version of Barracuda on Idol Gives Back. So I have that going for me.

I'm sorry you got hit so hard today. I'm assuming you're not writing this in traction in a hospital bed after a bad car wreck. Right?

Care to share what the song was?

Good to see you back on line, even if it's to vent something unhappy like this. (Which puts me in mind of a Lyle Lovett verse:
I went to a funeral
and Lord, it made me happy
seeing all those people
that I ain't seen
since the last time
somebody died


Shandie said...

Hey Patricia, this is my new blog. Thought I'd drop by for some free advertising :] Ahaha. Anyway, this is my photography blog, not my writing one.

Love you.

Also, cheer up. We love you.

ChristineEldin said...

Leave it to PJD to cheer you up, Jeesh! I am not allowing him anywhere near my depressions.

Brenda, there are a couple of songs that hit me like that. And you described the feeling beautifully. It is tied to memories.

I hope you're doing better.

Chumplet said...

Damn songs -- they can be so cruel. Hope you're feeling better, sweetie.