Thursday, March 11, 2010

Don't Go Changin' ~ To Try To Please Me

That entire song is just one honkin' huge lie.

Just a couple of months after Rick and I started dating, I realized I'd started to change a little and said so to Rick and he said, "Well, that's no good." (Direct quote.) But it was good: I was smoking less -- a LOT less -- and making better dinners and keeping house better, but I was definitely changing. And he totally lied with the "That's no good" because over a year later and knowing him so much better, he really does have issues with housework and smoking, so I'm pretty sure "changing Brenda's certain behaviors" was actually pretty high on his Brenda List of Necessary Requirements.

Just sayin'.

But like I said, they were POSITIVE changes, so I can't really complain about them. Well, I can, and sometimes DO, but I digress...

And then there are those who really, really hate it when you change. They can't comprehend who are you now verses who you were then. They refuse to accept it, and in denying it, they cut all ties. I would understand if I'd become addicted to heroin or dating abusive men: yeah -- cut those ties if she won't help herself because then you're just enabling. But that's the far end spectrum, and it's also on the far negative side as well. When the changes are overall a positive thing, I can't comprehend what is so absolutely horrible that they'd just. . . POOF.

Well, I do know why, if I really, really think about it. I'm a needy person in general, but having Rick who defines FIXER, well, we balance, and in that balancing, I don't "need" certain aspects that were originally part of certain relationships. And I guess in some people's viewpoints, that's a huge negative. I get it, I just refuse to accept it because I find it selfish and foot-stomping-taking-my-ball-and-leaving childish behavior.

So if you have a friend (and I'll let you define "friend" in your own way) and you see him or her changing their life in a positive way -- she's happier, her kids are happier, she's almost found SOLICE -- celebrate with her and still love her. You may have to change your roles in the relationship a little, maybe a lot, but if that relationship meant anything at all to you, if you truly had a selfless love and concern, you don't just up and walk away. You reshape, you redefine, but you still care, you still suppport.

You still love.

But in the end, the change is for yourself and not to try to please another person out there. Swear.


Anonymous said...

That's beautiful, Bren. I am so happy for you.

Celia...not anonymous but can't be bothered to figure out any other way right now.

Mo said...

I luv this! ....just remember that old saw tho, about some friendships being for a reason, some for a season, and some for a lifetime...maybe those "friendships" that can't 'change with seasons' have simply run their reason-able course.
Just sayin'.

((hugs)) - 'cause I'm wishin' ya nothin' but happy days ahead, my friend!

Anonymous said...

One of the problems with being a "fixer" is not that people may no longer need "fixing" - that's always a great thing when that happens. That, in and of itself, doesn't change a relationship or end a friendship.

The problem is there may come a time when the "fixer" is appreciated not for who they are, or what they are, but only for what they can fix.

Just something to think about.